trying this one more time…

Posts tagged ‘perspective’

Awe

Last night, the lovely Greggo accompanied  me to a talk by Father G, founder of Homeboy Industries. My boss had sent me the flyer weeks ago, as a case with which I had been presented had large emphasis on gang life. I’m literally a small town girl from Montana and now living in Milwaukee, felt way out of my element.  When this event came my way, I realized it could be a great learning opportunity to help me integrate my advocacy into the urban life. There was an opportunity to attend a training for service providers, but I was honestly scared, intimidated and didn’t want to seem naive and ignorant, so I opted to attend the public speaking event. I am now literally and figuratively kicking myself for not making more of the opportunity to learn from such an amazing man.

One of the things I realized while listening to his amazing stories of kinship and love, was how much I missed learning from wise religious leaders (that are not my lovely Father Dad 🙂 ). My personal confusion on religion, my beliefs, integrating feminism and traditionalism in way that works for me, has left me a little empty. I knew I  missed the comfortable meditation that comes to me from within the repetition of Mass- whatever the religious connotation the service holds for me that day- but last night I realized that I also really miss being inspired by the wonderful, caring and lovely people that understand the importance of serving others. While my religious feelings are still all over the place, this man’s mes

sage of kinship, of seeing no difference between yourself and a gang member, and the awe that inspires within us, for us to feel the worth of our souls by seeing the worth of everyone else’s, gave me goosebumps almost the entire time he was speaking and brought tears to my eyes many times for many reason. It is this love, this perspective, in which I see no fault with religion. There may be other parts I miss, but hearing this man speak filled an empty part of me with such warmth and that power is something I cannot deny or logic away.

Returning to work today, after hearing such an amazing and inspiring presentation, had me even more ready than ever to do some helping. Unfortunately, I have realized and am continually realizing that I do not get to dictate the pace of this new position, nor the intensity and randomness of the cases I have and will see. So instead of actively advocating, I returned to my current habit of sneaking through my friend Jo‘s blogroll, finding fun powerful feminist women who I would not only like to read on a daily basis, but also see as more inspiration for finding my own place within the blogging community with this little number. I found my way though a couple of blogs to whom I’ve subscribed and will be able to fill out. I found someone who I want to be my best friend and have subscribed knowing that will be a permanent one, and through one of her posts found another on the definition of rape culture.

A problem I have had with my blogs in the past is they become far to personal places where I reflect on my own victimization at the hands of this disgusting misogynistic part of our society. I do understand the importance of personal reflection, but for me up to this point (nor will it probably ever be), its no where near ready to be public, even on the anonymous internet. I’m rarely even comfortable identifying as a victim/survivor in a room full of service providers or activists. That being said, my own experiences were not the only reasons that after reading that post, I was left trembling, tears behind my eyes, and once again, in awe. I first thought of how different this awe was than that I experienced last night, but came around to see the error in that. My awe is at the power of the human nature, good or bad-At the ability of a wonderful priest to work with previous gang members, treating them as equals and understand the resiliency of the  poor through their gang lifestyles and employing such mottoes as “nothing stops a bullet like a job” and at the same time at the horrid nature of our culture blaming the victim, perpetuating rape myths, not supporting activists, not believing victims, teaching the “hook-up” scenarios that perpetuate rape, and at the same time excusing perpetrators for ignorance.

My awe is at all of that. Its just not so often that I see the range of awe that I have in the last 12 hours.

This post is heavy, but I think, good for me to write.

I end with two pictures. One an obvious self portrait of the day and the other, my favorite part of my desk.

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Starting over, yet again…

I’ve definitely had a blog before. They always turn more into a journal than a blog that I want actual people I actually know to read. But now, I’m starting over once again and we’ll see what happens.

There’s so many blogs I follow these days and I’m often a bit jealous of the way their lives are documented. I want a place I can throw random pictures from  my day and not feel silly for taking a picture of the rain out my office window or of me and the Chicken when I’m getting ready or maybe also Greggo being cute… who am I kidding. Mostly of the Chicken being cute.  Anyways, I’m sure it will be a great excuse to take more pictures, to document more as it seems to be the way of my generation and for sure the way of the one that follows. I already feel inadequate at writing, ridiculous at titles and pointless in aim but all I can think for now is that it will come with time. I also feel like externalizing thoughts, feelings etc, in some way validates them. Not in actuality but to ourselves. and in doing so, hopefully I’ll be able to then have better perspective, of nothing else except an acute awareness of how my thoughts may change, evolve, morph or stagnant. Its an easy thing to lose sight of and hopefully this will help.

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Its such a rainy, dreary Spring day today and as I walk down the hallways at work it reminds me somehow of the hallways of myelementary school when the days were especially day and the florescent lights finally proved their worth. Or something. Anyway, every time I head to the kitchen, bathroom or to my bosses office I’m overwhelmed with the deja vous. Its interesting; although its a dreary day remnicent of those past, the feeling is not negative, sad or dreary in the least. It almost makes me want to skip down the length of the hallway and then I mostly miss the carefree days of being little. Little in size, little in the world, little in worry and stress.

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Greg’s on Spring Break this week and we keep lovingly joking about his current role as a house husband. In one of these joking conversations I mentioned him packing my lunch and then giving me a kiss goodbye as I left for work. Usually when I pack my lunch, I throw in a Tupperware of leftovers and a fork and run. This is the cute result of his house husband efforts. Adorable. I love all the little snack additions I’d never think to add. He’s amazing and this is just one little reminder of how much I love him.

I’ll probably add another post today while I’m still excited about blogging. We’ll just see how long this one lasts but maybe it can become part of my every day. I think it would be good.