trying this one more time…

Posts tagged ‘Mom’

Eight years

In the past eight years so much has happened.

  • I graduated high school
  • I got a tattoo
  • I moved away for the summer
  • I started college.
  • I had my own first scary medical experience.
  • My Dad had cancer.
  • I changed colleges; moved states.
  • I changed my life plans.
  • I made new, better best friends.
  • I became a pot head.
  • I started volunteering in a field that would late direct my first career moves/educational paths.
  • I was a leader at everything I joined.
  • I got a kitten that I sillily named Spanish who now mostly goes by The Chicken unless she is in trouble ūüôā
  • I lost touch with my high school friends.
  • I was raped twice.
  • I held different jobs.
  • I found a love for my frisbee golf hobby.
  • Most of my friends left the town where I lived.
  • I traveled to Washington, Idaho, Oregon, Texas, Colorado, Wyoming.
  • I graduated college with an acceptable GPA (over 3.5) and therefore with honors.
  • I got and kicked ass at my first professional job.
  • I had a major illness that went undiagnosed for over a year. I had two major surgeries, one still technically experimental. I advocated for my own medical rights.
  • I stood up to my superiors based on ideals, even though it was not the best move¬†politically.
  • I met a boy who changed my life.
  • I feel in love.
  • I changed my life plans, goals for a boy- something I never thought I would do and have ¬†not regretted once.
  • I was proposed to.
  • I live(d) with said boy.
  • I moved to a place I had only visited for a ¬†total of 40ish hours.
  • I moved across the country with only a car load and my cat (the movers and the boy came soon later)
  • I was unemployed and depressed.
  • I am waging my way through a new professional environment and dynamic.
  • I don’t talk to my family nearly as much as I did 8 years ago.
  • I am an adult now. At 18, I was lost.
  • I’m starting a graduate program for the love of the field, the work, and certainly not for the money.
  • I have serious intentions of babies- something I swore up and down at 18 that I wouldn’t ever have
  • I¬†traveled¬†to Illinois, Wisconsin (duh ūüôā ), and Washington DC.
  • My worldview has changed. My religious beliefs have changed. My world it self has entirely changed.
So much has changed since my mom died that I wonder what is the same. The intangibles. I don’t even know.
This is the first time I have cried today. The sun¬†shiny¬†morning made me think that I could focus on celebration of her memory alone. And then the icefog at work chilled me out a bit (apologies for the pun ūüôā ) ¬†I opened this blog with the intention of posting a picture that now has no business being here, and this is what spilled out.¬†Grieving¬†is good, I keep telling myself. Even though I slightly feel that with each¬†remembrance, the memories slightly fade and blur. We’ll see.

it is everywhere

This is the week of the year I can’t escape, wish or smoke away. I can’t ever ignore it, celebrate it or wallow in my grief. Yesterday was Mother’s Day and in 4 more short days it will be the 8th anniversary of my Mother’s death. I just had to count it out to eight two times to believe myself. ¬†It certainly doesn’t feel fresh anymore, but 8 years seems like its been too long already. Not that one day wasn’t too long without my Mom… i don’t know. This is probably not a smart post to be writing at work with my office door open, as I’m already fighting back tears. But that’s just it. I don’t even know why I feel sad today. I mean, if anything, I should feel sad that my Mom has passed but I can’t say that is just it that’s behind the tears welled within my eyes. That is¬†obviously¬†horribly sad but not what I feel this week. I can hardly imagine what things would be like if she was alive today. I have no idea if I would be here, be with Greg, be doing the work that I do. I just can’t say. Her death changed me in ways that nothing else has and there’s just no going back. I can however, liken my life to those whom I am close to whose mother’s did not die too young at only 50 years old. I can liken my life to theirs, and imagine my Mom in the role their maternal parent takes, but only for a minute before I second guess. Because I¬†truly¬†have no idea what it would be like for her to still be here. I’m pretty sure that is the saddest thing.

Now I am officially out of kleenex at my desk and for that reason, along with a million others inside me, thats all for now.