In the past eight years so much has happened.
- I graduated high school
- I got a tattoo
- I moved away for the summer
- I started college.
- I had my own first scary medical experience.
- My Dad had cancer.
- I changed colleges; moved states.
- I changed my life plans.
- I made new, better best friends.
- I became a pot head.
- I started volunteering in a field that would late direct my first career moves/educational paths.
- I was a leader at everything I joined.
- I got a kitten that I sillily named Spanish who now mostly goes by The Chicken unless she is in trouble 🙂
- I lost touch with my high school friends.
- I was raped twice.
- I held different jobs.
- I found a love for my frisbee golf hobby.
- Most of my friends left the town where I lived.
- I traveled to Washington, Idaho, Oregon, Texas, Colorado, Wyoming.
- I graduated college with an acceptable GPA (over 3.5) and therefore with honors.
- I got and kicked ass at my first professional job.
- I had a major illness that went undiagnosed for over a year. I had two major surgeries, one still technically experimental. I advocated for my own medical rights.
- I stood up to my superiors based on ideals, even though it was not the best move politically.
- I met a boy who changed my life.
- I feel in love.
- I changed my life plans, goals for a boy- something I never thought I would do and have not regretted once.
- I was proposed to.
- I live(d) with said boy.
- I moved to a place I had only visited for a total of 40ish hours.
- I moved across the country with only a car load and my cat (the movers and the boy came soon later)
- I was unemployed and depressed.
- I am waging my way through a new professional environment and dynamic.
- I don’t talk to my family nearly as much as I did 8 years ago.
- I am an adult now. At 18, I was lost.
- I’m starting a graduate program for the love of the field, the work, and certainly not for the money.
- I have serious intentions of babies- something I swore up and down at 18 that I wouldn’t ever have
- I traveled to Illinois, Wisconsin (duh 🙂 ), and Washington DC.
- My worldview has changed. My religious beliefs have changed. My world it self has entirely changed.
So much has changed since my mom died that I wonder what is the same. The intangibles. I don’t even know.
This is the first time I have cried today. The sun shiny morning made me think that I could focus on celebration of her memory alone. And then the icefog at work chilled me out a bit (apologies for the pun 🙂 ) I opened this blog with the intention of posting a picture that now has no business being here, and this is what spilled out. Grieving is good, I keep telling myself. Even though I slightly feel that with each remembrance, the memories slightly fade and blur. We’ll see.
This is the week of the year I can’t escape, wish or smoke away. I can’t ever ignore it, celebrate it or wallow in my grief. Yesterday was Mother’s Day and in 4 more short days it will be the 8th anniversary of my Mother’s death. I just had to count it out to eight two times to believe myself. It certainly doesn’t feel fresh anymore, but 8 years seems like its been too long already. Not that one day wasn’t too long without my Mom… i don’t know. This is probably not a smart post to be writing at work with my office door open, as I’m already fighting back tears. But that’s just it. I don’t even know why I feel sad today. I mean, if anything, I should feel sad that my Mom has passed but I can’t say that is just it that’s behind the tears welled within my eyes. That is obviously horribly sad but not what I feel this week. I can hardly imagine what things would be like if she was alive today. I have no idea if I would be here, be with Greg, be doing the work that I do. I just can’t say. Her death changed me in ways that nothing else has and there’s just no going back. I can however, liken my life to those whom I am close to whose mother’s did not die too young at only 50 years old. I can liken my life to theirs, and imagine my Mom in the role their maternal parent takes, but only for a minute before I second guess. Because I truly have no idea what it would be like for her to still be here. I’m pretty sure that is the saddest thing.
Now I am officially out of kleenex at my desk and for that reason, along with a million others inside me, thats all for now.