In the past eight years so much has happened.
- I graduated high school
- I got a tattoo
- I moved away for the summer
- I started college.
- I had my own first scary medical experience.
- My Dad had cancer.
- I changed colleges; moved states.
- I changed my life plans.
- I made new, better best friends.
- I became a pot head.
- I started volunteering in a field that would late direct my first career moves/educational paths.
- I was a leader at everything I joined.
- I got a kitten that I sillily named Spanish who now mostly goes by The Chicken unless she is in trouble 🙂
- I lost touch with my high school friends.
- I was raped twice.
- I held different jobs.
- I found a love for my frisbee golf hobby.
- Most of my friends left the town where I lived.
- I traveled to Washington, Idaho, Oregon, Texas, Colorado, Wyoming.
- I graduated college with an acceptable GPA (over 3.5) and therefore with honors.
- I got and kicked ass at my first professional job.
- I had a major illness that went undiagnosed for over a year. I had two major surgeries, one still technically experimental. I advocated for my own medical rights.
- I stood up to my superiors based on ideals, even though it was not the best move politically.
- I met a boy who changed my life.
- I feel in love.
- I changed my life plans, goals for a boy- something I never thought I would do and have not regretted once.
- I was proposed to.
- I live(d) with said boy.
- I moved to a place I had only visited for a total of 40ish hours.
- I moved across the country with only a car load and my cat (the movers and the boy came soon later)
- I was unemployed and depressed.
- I am waging my way through a new professional environment and dynamic.
- I don’t talk to my family nearly as much as I did 8 years ago.
- I am an adult now. At 18, I was lost.
- I’m starting a graduate program for the love of the field, the work, and certainly not for the money.
- I have serious intentions of babies- something I swore up and down at 18 that I wouldn’t ever have
- I traveled to Illinois, Wisconsin (duh 🙂 ), and Washington DC.
- My worldview has changed. My religious beliefs have changed. My world it self has entirely changed.
So much has changed since my mom died that I wonder what is the same. The intangibles. I don’t even know.
This is the first time I have cried today. The sun shiny morning made me think that I could focus on celebration of her memory alone. And then the icefog at work chilled me out a bit (apologies for the pun 🙂 ) I opened this blog with the intention of posting a picture that now has no business being here, and this is what spilled out. Grieving is good, I keep telling myself. Even though I slightly feel that with each remembrance, the memories slightly fade and blur. We’ll see.
I’ve definitely had a blog before. They always turn more into a journal than a blog that I want actual people I actually know to read. But now, I’m starting over once again and we’ll see what happens.
There’s so many blogs I follow these days and I’m often a bit jealous of the way their lives are documented. I want a place I can throw random pictures from my day and not feel silly for taking a picture of the rain out my office window or of me and the Chicken when I’m getting ready or maybe also Greggo being cute… who am I kidding. Mostly of the Chicken being cute. Anyways, I’m sure it will be a great excuse to take more pictures, to document more as it seems to be the way of my generation and for sure the way of the one that follows. I already feel inadequate at writing, ridiculous at titles and pointless in aim but all I can think for now is that it will come with time. I also feel like externalizing thoughts, feelings etc, in some way validates them. Not in actuality but to ourselves. and in doing so, hopefully I’ll be able to then have better perspective, of nothing else except an acute awareness of how my thoughts may change, evolve, morph or stagnant. Its an easy thing to lose sight of and hopefully this will help.
Its such a rainy, dreary Spring day today and as I walk down the hallways at work it reminds me somehow of the hallways of myelementary school when the days were especially day and the florescent lights finally proved their worth. Or something. Anyway, every time I head to the kitchen, bathroom or to my bosses office I’m overwhelmed with the deja vous. Its interesting; although its a dreary day remnicent of those past, the feeling is not negative, sad or dreary in the least. It almost makes me want to skip down the length of the hallway and then I mostly miss the carefree days of being little. Little in size, little in the world, little in worry and stress.
Greg’s on Spring Break this week and we keep lovingly joking about his current role as a house husband. In one of these joking conversations I mentioned him packing my lunch and then giving me a kiss goodbye as I left for work. Usually when I pack my lunch, I throw in a Tupperware of leftovers and a fork and run. This is the cute result of his house husband efforts. Adorable. I love all the little snack additions I’d never think to add. He’s amazing and this is just one little reminder of how much I love him.
I’ll probably add another post today while I’m still excited about blogging. We’ll just see how long this one lasts but maybe it can become part of my every day. I think it would be good.