It is not entirely uncommon (more regular than I would like, for sure!) for me to have dreams about Greggo leaving me, cheating on me, doing horrible things around me, being really mean to me etc. This is by absolutely no means founded in any behaviors or actions he has taken. I’m not quite sure what to make of it.
Last night I dreamed that he sat me down and calmly told me that while I was ok, and good enough for now, he had decided to continue dating to search for the person for whom he would eventually leave me. Awesome. In the dream, he went on a date with this tiny brunette girl, came home to our place (where the fuck it was I have no idea, no recognition of the place) and took a shower with her. Dream Holly was quite upset, told him so, and his reassurance was that it was just a shared shower, nothing else happened. And then I woke up.
Crazy Person Dream.
Last night was one of the first nights I didn’t feel the instant need to wake Greg up to reassure me that he loved me- which was probably nice for him :). I rationalized it, twisted my ring around a few times and regained some perspective. Then tried really hard to fall asleep without becoming resentful of dream Greggo and real-life-very-very-snoring Greggo beside me. It went ok.
I have definitely had crazy town dreams about him before. Sometimes just of him breaking my heart, sometimes of him following me around my childhood home, munching on frozen peas, even though he knew how much it was driving me mad (crazycrazy person).
I’m not sure where these subconscious ideas come from. Like I said, no fight with Greg- things are great. Laughing and joking in bed last night before trying to fall asleep. So, whats up crazy head Holly? I guess I’m thinking that they stem from me realizing how I’m in this full force, and if he wasn’t, changed his mind etc, I’d crumble. But that is a conscious thought I have that brings no fear or nervousness. When I think, as one does, about what my life would be like if we hadn’t dated, or if we had broken up early on- I’m completely at a loss. The only things I can imagine for my life are not positive, although I’m sure that I would have managed.
Anyways, my cray-cray (i keep feeling the urge to use that phrase and then edit it out. idk why it embaresses me except that it is dumb, but whatever, cray-cray) dream made me want to do some introspection and I remembered *gasp* that I do actually have a place that I was hoping to do that more regularly.
Milwaukee is finally doing something for Sexual Assault Awareness Month, not like its the 27th or anything, so today I’m wearing jeans for denim day, rocking my Stop Rape shirt (because my agency still forgets about me sometimes and didn’t order me one for denim day) and heading to a rally and speak out tonight. I know the event is going to make me miss my VOICE Center buddies, the incredible community we created there, and all my best friends that I hardly ever get to see. I also am expecting to feel socially awkward (as I do) and like a total outsider at an event that should feel inclusive. We’ll see how it goes, but I definitely haven’t felt that from the Milwaukee community yet. I’m trying to be positive. Hopefully it goes well and I won’t cry TOO much. (note to self: bring kleenex).
Also, I woke up this morning, about 40 min before my alarm, with an incredibly painful Charlie Horse. Fucking leg cramps, what?! I guess I’ll seek out some potassium but that, with the dreams, the rain and all the other millions of bullshits this week has seemed to contain make me want to go back to bed until next week. If only that was an option…