trying this one more time…

it is everywhere

This is the week of the year I can’t escape, wish or smoke away. I can’t ever ignore it, celebrate it or wallow in my grief. Yesterday was Mother’s Day and in 4 more short days it will be the 8th anniversary of my Mother’s death. I just had to count it out to eight two times to believe myself.  It certainly doesn’t feel fresh anymore, but 8 years seems like its been too long already. Not that one day wasn’t too long without my Mom… i don’t know. This is probably not a smart post to be writing at work with my office door open, as I’m already fighting back tears. But that’s just it. I don’t even know why I feel sad today. I mean, if anything, I should feel sad that my Mom has passed but I can’t say that is just it that’s behind the tears welled within my eyes. That is obviously horribly sad but not what I feel this week. I can hardly imagine what things would be like if she was alive today. I have no idea if I would be here, be with Greg, be doing the work that I do. I just can’t say. Her death changed me in ways that nothing else has and there’s just no going back. I can however, liken my life to those whom I am close to whose mother’s did not die too young at only 50 years old. I can liken my life to theirs, and imagine my Mom in the role their maternal parent takes, but only for a minute before I second guess. Because I truly have no idea what it would be like for her to still be here. I’m pretty sure that is the saddest thing.

Now I am officially out of kleenex at my desk and for that reason, along with a million others inside me, thats all for now.

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Comments on: "it is everywhere" (2)

  1. Oh sweetheart. Big hugs.

    I know what you mean about thinking about how your life would be different–it’s odd how much loss shapes us.

    I’m tearing up for you. If you want to talk at anytime, give me a call.

  2. Hi, greetings from bali wedding. I am very impressed and gave me new knowledge. Thanks for the article.

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