trying this one more time…

sick of wanting..

I’ve done some cool stuff in the past two days. Sushi date with Greggo where we ordered wayy tooo much.

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I attempted, and kind of screwed up pecan pie cookies- but learned from my mistake and they WILL be better next time.

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I attended the Trauma Informed Symposium (symposium, what a self important word, it seems, but there were like 800 people there, so pretty important I guess…) where I heard Dr. Anda, one of the creators of the Adverse Child Experiences study speak (so depressing but SO INTERESTING) and got to know a cool coworker. Amazing stuff all around. I also went glass shopping with a friend who I haven’t seen much lately and that was fun too! So, lots of interesting stuff I could talk about, but my brain has been spewing this idea and I need to get it down I think, to understand it more? Or just, idk why, but here goes.

I’m so sick of wanting. Well, that is not entirely true. I’m not sick of it as in bored of it, or don’t want to do it anymore. I’m disgusted with myself about it.  All I do is want crap. I want new clothes.  I want a Kindle, an Ipad, a <insert any cool gadget, I’m a sucker, here>. I want new fun make up things to play around with, even though I have plenty. What? I have tickets to see Arcade Fire AND Cake in the next couple of months? I also want to go to State Radio and Arctic Monkeys and the Black Keys and probably Lollapalooza* and don’t forget how bad I feel for myself about  not getting to go to Sasquatch for the 5th(?) straight year. I want a new car (only kind of, but still! Kind of). I want to move to a house with a yard (and at the same time, truly want to move to a smaller place to save money). Conversely, I want to be frugal. I want to be practical, resourceful and good with money (for like, the first time ever). I want to want to be responsible about my spending. To not randomly decide I need a Starbucks  cake pop, to eat lunch out or to fill my cart no matter why I got into Target. Because that shit adds up**! I want to have a goal and actually do something about it. Not want to get a gym membership or try out Curves, but f*ding* actually do it! Sick of my laziness- sick of my wanting!

All I do is want stuff, and then I hear stories or work with or know my colleagues work with kids, literal kids, who don’t have a home. Or have a home, but no food. Or they actually may have both, but they have no one to parent them properly, or love them, or not abuse them. Or whatever. Or maybe they do have the loving family, but they don’t have health care. Or maybe someone just can’t get a job. Maybe they have their needs met, except they can’t guarantee that each of their days will be free from violence***. <– that’s a big one for me. I cannot imagine living in understandable fear (or not fear even, acceptance) of a very violent surrounding/neighborhood/household/world.

and so , every time I get that perspective, and from this job, that happens often and will happen more, I hate myself for wanting a Kindle. I hate myself for wanting anything really, when I have a loving fiance, and adorable cat, a warm safe home, food in my fridge, and my loving family only a phone call away. I shouldn’t want anything.

This afternoon I am going out with our homeless youth outreach workers to see what they do everyday. I’m pretty nervous… but trying really hard to be grateful to get to see these people lives, for a potential opportunity to help, and if not, for the perspective. I know I need to be careful how I talk about work on here… and may actually need to edit this out. I guess its time to pull out my employee handbook.

*if they will ever list a f*ding* lineup

** especially the Target trips. No matter what I go in there for, at least $50 dollars gets spent. I swear, its like an entrance fee…

***not that anyone can guarantee this for themselves… but most of my days are free from violence and I know a lot of people can’t say that.

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Comments on: "sick of wanting.." (1)

  1. I want to hear about your trip. That’s intense.

    Sometimes I hate myself for my materialistic consumption as well. I try very hard to limit mine, to truly research before I buy, and to not bring something into my home unless I also get rid of something.

    (I heart your sushi and want to try those pecan pie cookies!)

    Also, do not do Curves. If you’re anything like me, that is. I went to the demo and then haven’t been able to make myself go again. I would plateau so fast, it doesn’t really push me at all, and I feel like an 80 year old there.

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