trying this one more time…

This weekend, after picking out and purchasing our wedding rings, I braced myself for one of my least favorite activities: bra shopping. I can’t remember a time where I have left the purchasing experience feeling anything other than frustrated, tired and disgusted with myself. So, as I crossed the mall bravely into VS, I told Greg he could leave and that he would have plenty of time to grocery shop before picking me back up. This was going to be a process. Little did I know the kindest of the bitchy VS girls would send me into a wedding panic after telling me that even though my seamstress recommended one and I saw one on the VS website, low back strapless bras do not exist. She suggested the overall sticky backless bra situations, which may work well for some, but for those as busty as I,  seem like they must be a joke. I started panicking. Wedding in 4.5 weeks and final fitting in 6 days… need a new bra now. Talked with friends and family how they felt sewing my bra into my dress while I was wearing it day of- certainly nothing could go wrong there. I swung by Macy’s on my way out of the mall and they were no help either. The girl there looked at me with definite pity saying something like that doesn’t exist for 38DD. 😦

I did some impromptu internet ordering but every thing I read online suggested going into Nordstrom’s. There aren’t Nordstroms in Milwaukee, but when Greg’s aunt and uncle from Australia popped into Chicago (they work for airlines, fly standby all over the world) a day trip to the area with a stop at the mall was in order. Now, I expected this experience to potentially be a more fruitful version of my VS trip, complete with self loathing and disgust. However, I was pleasantly surprised! The girl told me I had been wrongly sized (the day  before) and quickly proved to me I was in fact a 36G (yikes! but still way more comfortable to be in the right size) not a 38DD (where the VS clerk had sighed and said she guessed she could try a 38 but I was probably closer to a 40. RUDE). I spent the next hour or so having an enjoyable bra fitting appointment while Greg had a pretzel snack and a scotch as he prepared himself for what he assumed would be my horrible mood when finished. Not only did I find a great comfortable option for my wedding dress, I bought all new bras at a third of the price that they would have been at VS. The girl who helped me was wonderful, not at all shaming and not once was I made to feel badly for not being in the most commonly stocked C size. My new purchases make me look thinner, make me feel more confident and make me realize that I don’t need a push up bra for shape, just a better bra.

 

This might be a bit weird of a blog topic for me, but I seriously feel like I’ve had a bra revolution in the past 24 hours. Amazing.

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(Cross posted to my tumblr because I can’t make decisions to save my life so platform for the new try is still up in the air)

Oh man. I wish I could be a blogger. I go on binges, find new blogs of people I like a lot and read their entire blog from two or so years back. They aren’t that incredibly revolutionary. Sometimes we have differences of opinion and sometimes I just really want to be their friends but overall, the things that come out of their heads and into their blogs are things that could conceivably come out of my head and onto a blog. And yet… always seem to fail at it. My blogs always turn into this depressed, self pity place for me to come vent on the internet and no one needs to read that. And actually, I probably don’t need to dwell in those feelings so much.

So I’m not sure tumblr is the best venue for this business… sometimes I do the tumblr thing and reblog stuff but mostly I just lurk as is my tendency on all internetting. [hence the crosspost] Seriously, I feel like I should win an award for most successful lurker. I’ve been following blogs and youtube channels for years and years and maybe left one or two comments the whole time. I feel like maybe I could make some sort of sad profound statement about that but I’ll try not to go there 🙂

Overall, I’m stuck in anticipatory wedding head. Ready to see all the friends, ready to celebrate with my family, ready to wear the dress and see the centerpieces and do the whole shebang. And really? A month is a long time to want it to be tomorrow. Ugh… impatience could be my middle name.

I’m also not sure blogging is a good thing because I think it will just be another place for me to obsess about my current diet/exercise situation. I tend to be a bit addictive/obsessive and while I haven’t been doing great at not eating so much junk this past week or so, that doesn’t mean that I’m still not super focused on what I’m eating what activities I’m doing etc. Ugh. I hate the term wedding diet and while I’d love to say “Oh I’m just working on my health and fitness totally unrelated to that huge event next month where all the pictures will be taken” everyone can see through that bullshit and know its a lie. But mostly, I’m hoping my family can see a difference, healthier Holly when I see them. I mean, I’m down about 30+ lbs since I saw them at Xmas and even though they’ve never been mean or critical or anything the rest of them seem to struggle less with weight and health, making it life priorities without much visible effort. My other main hope about the situation is that the back of my arms/the strapless dress created back situation doesn’t make anyone vomit while I’m trying to say my vows and do the whole wedding thing. le sigh.  oh no, I feel the depressed wallowing place coming on and that means enough for today. Or at least this post. Because when I restart blogs I tend to more than once daily post for maybe a few days and then quit again.

We shall see.

“..that I will be able to contain all my squee when that is a baby, and not the Chicken Adorable”- thought of the weekend while watching Greggo play mousey with a hot, lazy cat. It filled my heart with warmth and now I want a baby. Like, yesterday.

 

In other not nearly as heartwarming news, the ladies restroom at my work often smells of weird things (and I don’t mean poo, although, sometimes… I mean, it is a bathroom). I often walk in and get instantly confused by my nose. More than once there’s been a perfume scent that takes me so far back my ol’factory sense can only remember a rainy summer afternoon when I was about 5 or 6… nothing else. But one whiff and BAM! I’m there.

via weheartit.com

Today, it was a fake cotton candy scent. I… just have no idea how that happens. I’m all for all things sweet but can’t imagine layering on the saccharin sugar perfume, much less bringing it to work to re-layer in the restroom. Is that what is happening about these smells? I just don’t understand.

oh dear, a deer

funniest moment of my day, by far far far…

 

so, as I was running out of the office to grab my 3 pm lunch two very city ladies were scared and panicky after seeing a deer in the office parking lot (which borders a foresty park on the river…). umm, for real?! One went as far as to suggest that it could have charged, bitten or jumped on her.

..

….

..

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

I totally do understand that I am a Montana girl living in a city, but seriously, who is afraid of a deer that isn’t coming through their windshield. I mean, really?! Ohh myyyy.

le sighage

So… I started a tumblr today. I don’t really get that social media site but I’ve decided to learn it by using it. So far it just seems like a blogging site where its ok to just post random crap you steal off of other peoples’ blogs of random crap. But I’m kind of ok with that. Some things may end up cross posted or no…. idk. Not that it really matters.

 

This day, this week was all totally going fine. The three day weekend turned it into an automatically short week and that was nice. Yesterday flew by and I actually stayed at work for the correct amount of hours in one day if not a little extra. Greg’s first night of working until 10 pm was not super painful for me.. the evening actually went rather quickly. Today was fine again.. mornings are always  a little easier if you haven’t slept in the day before. I painted my nails so that feels pretty. My morning at work flew by so quickly that I almost forgot to attend the only scheduled item on my calendar,a  super super boring lunchtime webinar. And then, in checking in with my boss about said webinar and work in general, she said something about youth at our agency disclosing that they need my services and not wanting to come to me vs the team that works out of a car on the street. Now, I don’t know, I kind of understand how that makes sense to the youth. But 2 things I don’t completely understand are 1. why the staff member gave the youth options when the service definitely fell into the category of my services 2. why said statement made me feel like such a complete failure that I now want to climb into a hole and cry. Lesigh. My boss keeps urging me to be more visable to the youth, to be present at their activities and when I express my concern- I don’t know what that would look like, can you give me a constructive example of that taking place etc etc etc, and when my outreach to other staff people goes unanswered, I’m just really not quite sure how to handle it. I think some of the interns just go hang out in the staff office in the drop in center but I don’t actually feel completely welcomed by that? I don’t know. What I do know is that I’m struggling with this in my job because it is something I already struggle with as an individual. Social situations I’m unfamiliar with make me feel awkward and anxious and is now a requirement of my job. Which makes me feel like a failure because I guess I should have already been doing this? I don’t really know… Anyways, so theres the depressed post for today. 😦

man oh manatees,

So again its been forever since I have written one of these. I actually have had quite a few things I could have blogged about and haven’t. So.. randomness: GO!

1. Last Monday was Greggo’s birthday. We celebrated a variety of ways. Went to a fancy place called Carnivore  on Saturday night with his parents. Its a pretty great way for us to try the nice restaurants we could never justify paying for ourselves so I appreciate when his parents come visit for that, among the general friendliness reasons :). It was a good time. I tried to wear the heels again that I killed myself wearing to his cousins wedding. It hurt and I only walked like, a total of maybe 4 blocks in them and through the restaurant. Too much. I can’t decide if it is those shoes or if I have lost my ability to wear heals because I’m too fat for my feel to hold up now, or because I just never wear them so my feet forgot, OR because I am just a sissier baby about shoe/foot pain now than I ever have been. I really can’t decide between the myriad of options there. None of them seem that plausable and then they all do at the same time. Important stuff really. Monday we both worked a little and then I made the cookies  out of the dough I had made the night before (the carrot cake cookie kind, yum) while Greg grilled dinner and then we left so strangers could come see if they want to live in our house after us. Then we went to a Brewers game. Quite fun, especially since I chose the player standing nearest to where we were sitting to be my “favorite of the game” and then he hit 3 big home runs and made a couple fancy catches and now hes probably just my “favorite of the Brewers”  🙂 I also gave Greggo some presents and stuff.

2. Last weekend we went folfing two times. Once Saturday morning (lovely, just lovely) and once on Sunday early afternoon (less than lovely). We remember now that we don’t go folfing in the early afternoon in case you get stuck in lines the whole way through following a family of 6 where the kids throw straight into the woods “for fun!” and a group that consisted of a douche bag that could have come straight off the Jersey Shore and his girlfriend who decided appropriate folfing apparel included platform wedge flip flops, not-quite-crotch length shorts and a tube top that fell off her non-boobs every time she tried to throw. It was frustrating to say the least. Also suddenly like 90 degrees so it was also sweaty. However, the worst part of the outing happened when we got back to the car. I took off my sunglasses and went to flip down the visor to see the interesting pattens my melting makeup had left on my face and when I did… get ready for it… there was a HUGE FUCKING SPIDER in the middle of the mirror that preceded to fall(jump!) straight off onto (at!) me. I screamed bloody murder while poor Greg was driving and he didn’t kill me (nice of him, really) and pulled over to try to de-spider the car so that I could stop hyperventilation. I’m still a little wary of the passenger seat of his car but he bought me a DQ milkshake on the way home, so that helped.

3. I found a new blog long-lost best friend. I just read everything she writes and identify with it completely as I laugh at her hilariousness. Seriously, I wish it wasn’t so creepy to propose best friend hood over the interwebs. It also makes me want to quite being such a sissy cry baby on this blog and be a funny person. Probably won’t happen, but wth.

4. I don’t understand Tumblr really. I mean, I understand fbook, and blogs and twitter and youtube and I just don’t get tumblr. Maybe I should sign up for one and mess around? Idk…

5. This is the first Memorial Day Weekend in years (5? 6? 4? who knows.. I think 5) that I won’t be attending the glorious Sasquatch Music Festival. I actually think it started today… its a 4 day-er this year with lots of extra fun to celebrate the fact that I don’t get to go. Or that it is the 10th one. But it feels like they’re celebrating my absence.

6. My hometown is flooded. So weird. My sister keeps texting me pictures and one of them was of my brother and 2 nephews canoeing around the yard. Crazy. So much destruction and damage- roads gone, bridges gone, buildings ruined- and still it seems weird to talk about in light of the tornadoes in the south etc etc.  It is supposed to keep raining in Lewistown, though, and Memorial Day weekend is traditionally when my family makes about idk, at least a third of their yearly income. Thinking of my sis and her fam for that… but my brother and dad are there as well. Not to mention extended family… ok, moving on.

7. A girl who was in a lot of the same classes and I think all the same activities as me in college just friended my sister and cousin on facebook. Also, pretty much flat out disliked said girl and now she works with my sister and is friends with my cousins. Yuck. Sometimes I hate the small-town, small-world shit about Montana and I live in Milwaukee. Ugh. Also, said girl just bought a house and finished her Masters degree so even though I won all through school about getting elected and jobs and shit, I feel like she just won life a little bit.

Ok enough rambling for now. Arctic Monkey concert tonight- should be rad. I’m pretty excited 🙂

the week is over…

or is it?

I started the last post with the intention of writing on this. And that grief story of my Mom’s last Mother’s Day gift spilled out- as did my tears and I cried inappropriately at work, harder than I have here ever.  [and while writing this post I cried a bunch again. My office door is going to need to stay shut for a while now, as I do not cry gracefully :S hopefully office neighbors couldn’t hear all the nose blowing…oh well]

The lesson I learned about my grief this year was through a fight with poor Greg. He’s been great this past week- giving me tons of space if I asked or being there to hang out even if I think he’d rather be watching baseball. He didn’t force conversations but would have listened had I wanted to talk. All in all it went pretty well.

Friday came and went. We traveled to see my favorite band play a double set concert in Chicago on Saturday and it was amazing. On Sunday we were both home, a little tired from the night before’s outtings and Greg got frustrated.  Now, I still maintain my innocence in what started this fight. While at times, I am definitely known for not knowing when I’m hungry and suffering from a Krings tradition of getting incredibly grumpy from not eating. That does happen to me, and I know I’m not fun to be around then. That said, this did not happen on Sunday, but Greg got mad at me for not making myself a meal.

Greg does almost all the cooking at our house. He’s great at it, and often really enjoys it as a hobby. I do understand that he doesn’t always LOVE cooking- but he would almost always rather prepare something for a meal instead of snacking on something easy or throwing together a sandwich.

Me? Not so much. I’d rather have a bowl of cereal. Thats about all there is to it for me. I don’t like to do dishes so why would I dirty them. I’m not that picky- I can eat the same thing multiple meals, multiple days in a row and be quite content.

On Sunday, Greg got mad at me for feeling like he had to make me lunch or I wouldn’t eat or I would just have cereal or… whatever. I don’t know really.I’m not sure quite where it came from, but I felt awful that he would think I was that demanding. We have different food standards, and meal concepts, and while I always appreciate the delicious meals he prepares, it is always fancy to me, because I could have had cereal and been happy. I came into the kitchen to help clean up dishes from before we left for the concert and he left the kitchen. I was a little hurt, but did all the cleaning myself and then left the room. He went back into the kitchen and started cooking. I was more hurt by his obvious avoidance, and went into our room to hide about it a little. I didn’t want to be blowing things out of proportion, but I was definitely feeling like he was mad, and not telling me. And when he came and found me, he was mad. He was mad for the things he built up in his head that I must have thought. I’ve been there before too- its why communication is important. Anyways, so we were having it out. Greg’s built up Holly was quite the bitch and that really hurt me. I didn’t understand what I had done wrong or why he was so mad or being angry at me. I was hurt. Actually, the situation ended that day with me apologizing for things I didn’t do or say, and him not apologizing for attributing those horrible things to me. I don’t know if he realizes he didn’t apologize or own any of it, but I do and that is still hanging with me about it a little.

Anyways, the fight is not the point of this post. What came out of it, when I was “done” with my grieving week, is that he can’t be mad at me about how I learned to take care of myself. Growing up, both my parents ran their own businesses. This was different for my siblings where my mom stayed home and did things like, make cookies or doughnuts for them as after school snacks (and taught my siblings a lot of these kitchen skills). Me, not so much, and that was fine. As I got older, my mom got sick. She sold her business and focused on taking care of her. Makes sense,we all did. And I don’t regret it or wish it happened differently. But I did start taking care of myself, and my meals at around age 15. I ate a lot of freezer food, sandwiches, cereal and take out. Thats what I knew how to do. And that didn’t change much as I aged. Especially in that, once I was living on my own and out of the dorms, I developed a serious stomach condition where everything but liquids made me sick. Cooking was never a skill I learned, nor had motivation too.  Anyways, realizing this about myself was important I think for both Greg and me. I cannot fault myself for the circumstances where one generally learns these skills, and therefore, neither should he. I now understand that its probably because of these circumstances that I avoid cooking so much. My hatred for grocery stores and shopping isn’t just a dislike for florescent lights but likely stems from the fact that that was my job once my mom got too sick. It was a task that caused me a lot of anxiety as I didn’t quite know what was needed ever and I got a lot of pity stares from the small town people who felt bad that I had to take over this chore. Whatever, not that big of a deal, but I’m sure that is where my anxiety reaction to stores stems from.

I don’t have a lot of patience, in general. I hate being bad at things, feeling incompetent and messing up. Those are things that make me feel badly about myself. Combined those with the grief realizations I had, and I now understand my food reactions a little better. I hope Greg does too, so we can avoid the built up frustration spaces that allow us to think such horrible untrue things. It is something I’m willing to work on, and these realizations do help. Awareness is always better. But I know I need to learn it in a safe place, where I don’t have to feel shame if I screw up- which is my natural reaction. Hopefully its something I can learn from Greg and it can be fun… but I see the challenges of that too. Anyways, something to think about and something I learned from my “grief week” this year.